


It’s Not Okay

by DragonJadeMountain



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series), Thomas Sanders
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, Hurt, Not Beta Read, i wrote this at 2 in the morning, venting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-18
Updated: 2018-12-18
Packaged: 2019-09-22 03:27:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17052221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DragonJadeMountain/pseuds/DragonJadeMountain
Summary: I woke up at 1:30 this morning and I needed to get my thoughts out somewhere. So I’m using Virgil to vent because it’s easier





	It’s Not Okay

**Author's Note:**

> All of this is super personal to me, it’s basically my inner monologue written down because it needed to go somewhere before I went crazy  
> Just a heads-up, there’s some mentions of spiraling and depressive thoughts and eating disorders, nothing graphic but they’re mentioned

Virgil couldn’t place the emotion he was feeling but he absolutely hated it. He hated that awful twisting in his gut that was so like his usual anxieties and yet so different as well. He stared numbly at his phone, fingers hovering over the screen, the harsh light burning his eyes in the dim light of two in the morning.

Patton was in a mental hospital. Why, he didn’t know. He had texted the group chat nearly three hours ago, and Virgil still hadn’t worked up the courage to text back. To send his friend a “hope you’re okay” or a “what happened??” He could only sit there and stare at his phone as Roman posted about how he had been crying. Virgil hated it.

He felt absolutely helpless, and the worst part was, he felt numb to it all. Was this how Logan felt all the time? With absolutely no emotions, oblivious to everything around him? If it was, he hated it. He didn’t understand how someone could live their lives this. He didn’t want to feel this way anymore, but he had been having the feeling for the past few weeks and at this point he wasn’t sure if it was going to go away.

He sighed, setting his phone down and rubbing at his eyelids. The light in his room was kept dim, hopefully he wouldn’t wake up his parents or his brother. Then again, if anyone else was going to be up at this ungodly hour, it would be Remy. He would be up texting his boyfriend or reading fan fiction on his phone or lazily scrolling through tumblr.

Still, Virgil didn’t want to talk to Remy. He didn’t really want to talk to anyone really, except that he did. He wanted to fall into Patton’s embrace, accepting the hugs he was always so ready and willing to give. He wanted to tell Patton how much he meant to him, say all the words he couldn’t bare to say aloud while at school. He wanted to give Roman a massive hug and tell him it would be alright. He wanted Roman to trust him enough to lean on his and just talk to him. Virgil wanted to be there for them.

But he could’t even bring himself to text either of them. Neither of them would be up at this hour anyways, or at least they shouldn’t be, and even if they were he certainly didn’t want to bother them. Virgil groaned quietly. He knew these were dangerous thoughts. He knew he was spiraling but he couldn’t quite stop himself. He nearly texted Logan. Calm, cool, logical Logan who was always there with facts and statistics to ease his anxieties, but he didn’t want to worry him. Logan was stressed enough as it was with midterms having just passed and final grades for the semester being put in. Logan was working hard, Virgil didn’t have any right to interrupt that.

Virgil rubbed his eyes, suppressing a yawn and turning it into a sigh instead. He hadn’t gotten a proper night’s rest in.. a while. He couldn’t remember, at least a week, maybe more. And he certainly hadn’t been eating well either. He had been eating less and less. It wasn’t starving himself, he told himself. He was overweight anyways. This wasn’t an eating disorder, he knew that. He didn’t have the right to call it that, to draw away from real suffering with his conscious choice not to eat. He knew it wasn’t healthy but he couldn’t help but feel some sort of perverted pride at seeing the bags under his eyes or reading 119.7 on the scale in his parent’s bathroom.

Virgil couldn’t help but feel pride and guilt at war in his stomach. He knew he was falling deeper and deeper down a rabbit hole that terrified him, but he couldn’t help but feel like he didn’t deserve to feel happier. His friends were not in good places right now, so why the hell should he get to feel good about himself. It was only right, he told himself. He wouldn’t dare put himself on pedestal above his friends, not when they meant so much to him.

He grabbed at his stuffed animals, reaching for the soft golden reindeer Patton had given him earlier that afternoon. A gift for the secret Santa in one of their classes. He felt guilty for not seeing that something had been wrong. He curled his arms around the small plush with its soft fur and big eyes. He wanted his friends. He needed his friends. He wanted to sit at lunch and hear Logan talking animatedly about something or other that had fascinated him. He wanted to look to his right and see Roman sitting on the ground, sketchbook open on his lap but eyes trained firmly on Logan, attention on him. He wanted to see Patton in all his odd glory, smiling like an idiot and saying the weird things at random times and making his awful awful puns. Virgil nearly smiled at the thought.

Then he thought of himself. He wasn’t funny, he wasn’t creative, and he certainly wasn’t clever. If he was any of those things, then he wasn’t good enough at any of them. He was alright at many things, but not good enough to be good enough to make it. He wanted to say this, to tell it all to his friends, but he was too clingy. He felt like he was simultaneously too much and not enough at the same time, all culminating in being a bad friend.

Virgil wanted to help his friends so badly. He wanted to be there for them, but he just didn’t understand how, when he could barely hold himself together as it was. He felt like he was a piece of porcelain that was going to shatter in two. All the same, he hated hearing people ask him “Are you okay?” Or “What can I do to help?” He wanted to be left alone, but he was desperately lonely. He was scared of being alone. He was scared that all this that he had felt was just in passing, that it wouldn’t last and when he graduated in two years and headed off to some college, he’d forget all about the friends he had made here. He didn’t want that. He desperately didn’t want that.

Virgil sighed again and turned over onto his back to stare up at the ceiling. He closed his eyes. He could hear his music playing faintly from his phone beside him, the rough voice of the singer doing little to soothe his anxieties. Faintly, he could hear the sound of a car driving past his window every once in a while or the creak of the old house as it settled in for the morning. He could feel the cool wind from his fan brush across his limbs, the thin and ancient comforter doing very little to stop its path. He brushed his fingers over the golden reindeer again, digging his spindly fingers into the soft material, hoping it would provide some sort of grounding to reality. He wasn’t really sure it worked.

With a sigh, he opened his eyes again, already having given up on sleep a long time ago. He wasn’t getting any sleep tonight, but it was fine. He could keep hanging on like this until it got better right? That’s what everybody told him, that it would get better. He had to believe that. He wouldn’t know what to do with himself if it wasn’t true.

**Author's Note:**

> If any of this feels like some weirdly specific AU, it’s basically my life at this point, but my friends and sister have been replaced by the Sanders Sides characters to make it easier for me to write and get my thoughts down


End file.
